So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
