It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
