pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize