You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
