i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize