4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Vodka?
Forever.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize