Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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