nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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