I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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