I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
