1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
