I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I have so many feelings about this burrito
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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