my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
