you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Randomize
