Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
