I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize