he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
