Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
