does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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