I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
