i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
