You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize