from now on my penis is your penis
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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