WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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