sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
