Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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