Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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