I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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