Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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