i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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