He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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