she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
