I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
