i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
