we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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