After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize