How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
