I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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