Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
