I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
