no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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