the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
