Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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