I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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