I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
