Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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