I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
