My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Verdict: uncircumcised.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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