My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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