Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Boobs speak an international language.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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