So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
no. you can't hotbox the world.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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