I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
