Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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