I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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