I need help removing her.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
