Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
