Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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