i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My balls are so social today.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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