**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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