Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
We need to rekindle our bromance
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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