I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
