I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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