Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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