I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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